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Richard’s gone, let’s have some fun

In the (Sports) Light

That’s right, Richard Evans, Sports Guru CCN, is on vacation so I get to take over his column space.

And boy, do I have some sports related stuff to tell you.

Sports fans world-wide are waiting near breathlessly (especially after running a marathon) for the announcement from the Team Tackle Croquet League (TTCL) on the selection committee’s final selections of the league’s first 11 teams.

The selection process is based entirely on the coolness of the team names.

I’m going to try to squeeze “selection” in here one more time.

Croquet will no longer be the back yard game you play to keep your grandmother out of the beer cooler on those lazy Sunday family get togethers.

There hasn’t been this much excitement since the “Octagon Bridge Death Matches” of the 1960s. And who can forget those exciting … Things.

Each city bidding for a team must have a British sounding name (even if it’s kinda made up).

Knoxville’s entry is “Knoxvilleshire-on-the-Creek River Rats.”

The proposed name for the Nashville entry is “Nashvilleford-by-the-Catfish Shop Chip Eaters.”

More than 13 cities have turned in proposals to be a member of the new 11-team league, setting a record for …


Some guy named “Dr. Prior” supposedly invented croquet, but Ken Burns is rumored to be planning a documentary about the grueling sport in which he will prove The 14th Earl of Wilfordshire-Lincoln Dealership actually drew up the first six-hoop croquet match after a night of drinking luke-warm root beer.

It was played … Somewhere in Britain and was attended by Queen Elizabeth II’s handmaiden’s sister-in-law’s third cousin.

And a couple of other people.

Thrilling stuff.

Because of the British roots of croquet all team owners are required to know the words to every song written by David Bowie.

Tests will be given.

Rules for the TTCL are simple: “No harm, no foul,” which has already been shortened to “No foul.”

The TTCL is not nine-wicket croquet — which could lead to even more bodily harm and/or missing teeth.

Nor is it associated with the United States Croquet Association, which has a lot of rules and stuff that nobody really likes.

Nor is the TTCL sanctioned by the United State Croquet Association.

Nor will it, likely, ever be.

It is my understanding the TTCL did, in fact, compose a letter to the United State Croquet Association asking them to be a part of this exciting new venture (and to get an official croquet rule book), but the letter was never sent.

Nobody had a stamp.

Attempts via e-mail to reach the United State Croquet Association also went unanswered since the e-mails, apparently, were mistakenly sent to some guy named “Ted” in Idaho.

Ted, however, did sanction the TTCL.

Here is what is known about the TTCL:

• Each team in the TTCL is allowed to have six main players and at least 75 kept in reserve because it promises to be a long and painful season.

• It has been rumored that the band, U2, is writing a theme song for the league.

• ESPN had been in negotiations with the league for a series of televised events, but then ESPN started hocking its cameras and other broadcasting equipment and coverage of the TTCL was called “unfeasible.”

And “Stupid.”

• FoxSports is supposedly going to broadcast live TTCL matches.

At least two.


• The league has secured the best and largest pastures near cities bidding to become a member of the league for match play.

All pastures have been approved. Sorta.

Several are waiting to be mowed.

• Unlike other professional leagues, every team in the TTCL will make the playoffs at the end of the regular season. The regular season begins Aug. 1 and will end June 1 the following year — leaving a whole month for playoffs. The team with the best regular season record gets a bye to the finals, which is a best of seven series to be played at a neuteral site, probably at Fort Collins-in-the-Hills.

Yes, it’s year-round play.

After all, there’s no rest for the wicket.