Honestly, it ain’t easy bein’ healthy...Or me

In the Light

ere’s the problem with trying to sorta take control of your life and start living … A, well, a kinda … Healthy lifestyle?

“You’re not a young man anymore.”

Then quit poking and prodding.

If I am indeed a member of the older-types then I’ve earned a little respect haven’t I?

I didn’t walk into your office and start telling you not to say “over” but say “more than,” did I?

Of course saying “You are more than weight” wouldn’t have made sense, would it?


Did I make fun of your shirt?

It was a nice shirt, by the way.

Okay, never mind.

I’m not a young man anymore.

And tell me again why I can’t get a lollipop when I leave?

“God bless you, but you’re a big man.”

I know that.

I buy my own tents … I mean, clothes, right?

I can’t help it. I’m … Big boned?

And I have a gland problem or something.

Yes, I know I gained a pound (come on, it’s just one little pound) in a week.

My gland was acting up, okay?

But how did I grow one-quarter inch in eight days?

Tell me that.

I must be doing something right.

“Stay away from salt … No sodium.”

Not a problem.

Wait, you mean canned veggies have sodium?

Now you’re meddling.

I don’t like raw green beans. How am I supposed to eat raw green beans?

It’s the people canning the things, that’s who’s at fault. Lecture them, okay?

And what’s with egg yolks?

There has to be some sane reason for not eating egg yolks. I mean, have you fried an egg in butter then put that baby on toast and popped the yolk and let it run over …

What do you mean, “no more butter?”

What the …?

Yeah, I know, egg whites only from now on. No butter.

You’re taking all the fun out of breakfast.

And lunch.

And dinner.

And snacks.

“Exercise at least 30 minutes a day.”


You know I’m more than weight, so just getting out of the recliner is like a major workout and then walking to the kitchen to fry an egg in … I mean, scramble an egg white with no butter is like a regular person running a marathon or something.

I’m telling you it’s a chore.

Oh … Walking more?

Yeah, but I have a job and there’s baseball on TV and …

“Fifteen minutes one way and 15 minutes back for a few days and then increase the time until you’re walking …”

What is this? Some kind of planned torture?

Doesn’t thinking about walking count?

Do you know how stressful my job is?

Do you know how stressful it is to not be able to eat a real fried egg?

It’s like … Terrible. That’s what it is.

Do you have any clue, whatsoever, of how stressful is it to eat raw green beans?

Do I look like a rabbit or something?

“And I want you to take a stress test. Can you handle getting up on a treadmill?”

Now that’s a test I can ace. I know all about stress. I have to eat raw green beans.

Oh, you mean walking on a treadmill?

I wondered how I was going to fill out a test on a treadmill. Unless it was one of those with a comfy chair and television. Then all you need is a little tray.

Just kidding with you.

I know what a treadmill does. I’ve seen documentaries about the Spanish Inquisition.

What do I look like, some mama’s boy?

Treadmill huh? I’ll wear that treadmill out.

I used to beat up treadmills when you were in diapers.

I’ll have to eat some eggs or something first so I can keep up my energy while I break that treadmill of yours, but you just watch and …

What do you mean when you say, “no coffee?”

I’m trying to get healthy, okay?

That means lots of calories and caffeine.

You know, fried eggs and coffee, get it?

And you call yourself a doctor.

Yoga? Oh … Yogurt?

Yeah, I read about it somewhere. It was mentioned in an article about sure ways to make people really, really dislike you.

A lot of yogurt was involved.

It’s a very bad idea to involve yogurt in anything.

“I’m going to set up a …”

Oh no! No way I’m getting that. That’s just wrong on so many levels.

Yeah, I know I’m not a young man anymore, but … Nah, that’s just wrong.