Are you worried about the ‘New Plague Map?’

In the Light


I get these e-mails all the time from organizations that really have something important to get out into the general public.

I work at a newspaper, you know.

Some of it’s pretty funny.

Some of it’s very, very serious.

Take the Chinese Klebsi Plague that is about to sweep across the United States.

I saw the e-mail: “New Plague Map has America Panicing?” and I thought, “Man, this is some serious stuff. I better see what this is all about.”

I watched the 20-minute video presentation (because I really have nothing better to do) and I was shocked and appalled.

Yes, shocked AND appalled.

This virus, Klebsiella, is not only mean and nasty and deadly, it’s resistant to all 23 antibiotics available in the United States.

Every single last one of them.

And it’s mutating.

But wait, there’s more.

The video even came with a little map that shows how the virus will spread across the United States and let me tell you, Arizona and the Dakotas are in for a rough time. The only part of Tennessee that seems to be affected is Johnson City, that little northeast corner of the state.

I let out a huge sigh of relief when I saw that.

But wait, there’s even more.

Apparently the Japanese have found a way to fight this filfthy, incoherent beast of a virus with …

You have to wait for a few seconds, just like in the video.

But first, did you know medical professionals don’t know about what the Japanese have done.

I mean, you get this Klebsi stuff and supposedly you just die in a matter of days.

It’s just an absolute monster, scary-looking and anti-social virus thing.

Sorta like a Stephen King book, but without a really bad television mini-series.

If you catch this virus — did I mention it is so contagious there is simply no way you can not catch this gnarly, knife-wielding, foul mouthed virus — your health care provider will simply scratch his/her head in amazement while you whither away.

That’s right.



But the Japanese have found something — did I mention the map of how this Klebsi thing is going to spread across the United States and, man, Florida is in big trouble — that boosts your body’s autoimmune system so you can whip the snot out of this smelly, ill mannered and slightly hairy (but not in a cool John Travolta way) virus.

An exotic mushroom.

That’s right, all those hippie types from the 1960s were right all along.

But wait, there is yet even more.

But that’s kinda where I quit watching, so I’m not sure what else there is to learn about the Chinese Klebsi Plague.

I mean, I’d already wasted 20 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Oh wait, I almost forgot: It all started when three people (or was it six) got sick in some third-world Asian country and they all died.

That’s how it started.

And then it just got out of hand.

I told you about the map showing the upcoming past of the Chinese Klebsi Pague soon to sweep across the United States didn’t I? Let’s just say now would not be a good time to move to Nebraska. And Huskers are supposed to be relevant in the world of college football again.

Also, the map shows the virus coming into the United States from someplace west of California.

The video never says this rude, braided nose hair wearing, with a face no mother could love, virus is actually coming to the United States directly from China.

No. It’s just called the Chinese Klebsi Plague (and honestly when I first started watching the video I thought it was a Pepsi commercial — one of the really good ones with hip celebrities in it).

But it is entering the United States from somewhere left of California.

But then it dawned on me: If this mongrel, son of motherless goat, heathen virus is so bad …

Why do we still say things like, “Six billion Chinese just don’t care?”

Well, I say that sometimes. My grandmother used to say that to me when I worried about something.

Or maybe it was “Five billion?”

What she meant was, six billion (or five) people from another country on the other side of the planet don’t care about my problems, so maybe my problem isn’t as big as I’m making it out to be.

Of course, we didn’t have to worry about a Chinese Klebsi Plague sweeping through the middle of Iowa either, did we? And who’s going to harvest all of that corn?

I did mention that map thing, right?

Anyway … If this ill dressed, uneducated lout of a virus is so all powerful, why hasn’t someone started saying stuff like, “Six dozen Chinese just don’t care?”

Answer that one.

And why are we picking on the Chinese?

They’re cool.

Why not the Russians?

The Russians have a coast line west of California (where a red arrow on the map I was telling you about comes from). They could be sending this bad tempered, wine swigging, toupee wearing virus to the United States.