This is no time to be buying a hoody
So.
• There is no such thing as global warming.
It’s now a “no hoody weather for Ken” event.
As long as some people (and I won’t say who those some people are) insist that global warming is a myth, a fantasy, a scary story to tell misbehaving children at night, the concept of our planet getting “warmer” will never be embraced by the whole.
“Yes little Johnny, when little boys and girls don’t eat their vegetables or do what their parents say the planet gets a few degrees warmer and we all burst into flames (or suffocate in our sleep because the planet’s oxygen evaporates).”
And you thought the boogeyman under the bed was something to be afraid of.
And for any effective master plan to combat this so-called global warming thing, “the whole” has to be on board.
Ain’t gonna happen.
Global warming may be a trick played on the masses by liberals, con men, and ne’er do well charlatans, but what is happening — the truth — is that we’re entering an age of “no hoody weather for Ken.”
Sad times.
After many decades of not wanting to wear a hoody — don’t all the bad guys in British crime dramas wear hoodies? — I finally found one I like. A really cool University of Illinois Fightin’ Illini hoody.
Seriously, it’s awesome.
But it’ll never ever be cool enough to wear a hoody again.
And, like the punch line to the old joke says, “Ergo my presence.”
• Do not think it is a good idea to wake up your household with Swedish death metal.
It’s not.
I tried it at my brother’s house, just to see what the reaction would be.
I played “Guardians of Asgaard” by Amon Amarth (pretty loudly) to wake up the crew one morning.
I understand I looked pretty James Bond-like when I was thrown through a window; that I appeared almost super hero-like when I picked myself up from the yard and tried to take that first step; that I do look sorta handsome in a body cast.
I have this itch just below my left should blade that is, however, driving me a bit crazy.
I would have looked better, I was told, if I had been wearing a hoody.
“Try James Taylor next time,” I was advised.
I’ll stay away from “Up On The Roof.”
• Not too long ago I traveled to Scotland.
It was an interesting trip, full of fun and hilarity.
Well, full of fun anyway.
I picked up a word while across The Big Pond and have been repeating it semi-constantly, using said word to describe almost everything and everyone I encounter.
“Numpty.”
Scottish usage:
a) Someone who (sometimes unwittingly) by speech or action demonstrates a lack of knowledge or misconception of a particular subject or situation to the amusement of others.
b) A good humoured admonition, a term of endearment
c) A reckless, absent minded or unwise person
1) “No. That wisnae wit she meant, ya big numpty!”
2) i.e. “Silly billy”, “You big dafty”
3) “That numpty’s driving with no lights on!”
It has also been described as an MSP — Member, Scottish Parliament.
The best usage I’ve heard so far has been, “Ken is a numpty for buying a hoody when we’re in the middle of a no hoody weather for Ken event.”
• Do you know what I really like about fall — other than the misconception that it means hoody-wearing weather is near (because it never ever will be again)?
Playoff baseball.
College football.
Watching other people rake leaves and chuckling to myself because I don’t have to do that anymore.
More playoff baseball.
The World Series.
College football is not as awesome as it used to be. Too many really good teams play really bad teams and the games are boring.
I just can’t get excited about an Alabama beating an Oklahoma Numpty University 77-0.
What do these kind of games prove?
And Oklahoma Numpty University doesn’t even have a decent hoody design.
Not that it matters. We’re in a “no hoody weather for Ken” event.