Why, why are you drinking tiny wine?
You want it to be a good day — full of sunshine and unicorns and tasty treats to snack on all day, but then you get in your car to head to work and the first song on the radio is …
Something you heard in the 1980s and it made your teeth hurt then.
But you can’t quite place it.
The singer sounds like he’s saying, “Why, why are you drinking tiny wine,” but you’re not sure because your teeth hurt so much.
And although you are about to be sick — as in, “I gotta pull over and deposit my breakfast on the side of the road,” the tune is kinda catchy. You know, like the Barney the Dinosaur theme song.
So, you don’t get sick, you push images of Barney out of your head and spend the day humming this song and singing, “Why, why are you drinking tiny wine.”
You know those aren’t the words, though.
Nobody sings about drinking tiny wine. That’s stupid. Right?
There are a lot of songs about drinking wine — regular wine — and beer, whisky, moonshine, and even tequila.
Nothing you can think of about tiny wine though.
Still, catchy tune, right?
“What is that you’re humming?” a co-worker asks.
“I have no idea,” you admit.
Your co-worker smiles at you and walks on, thankful that you weren’t humming the theme song to The Flintstones because the last time you did that your co-worker had that song stuck in their head for something like a week.
The only way they were able to get The Flintstones theme song out of their head was by beating you with a golf club.
“Finally!” they shouted. “I hate that song.”
This song about tiny wine is kinda like that, but it’s not near as cool as The Flintstones theme.
That’s because when you hum The Flintstones theme you can imagine Betty Rubble and she was kinda cute.
Plus, Fred was always up to some kind of hijinks, wasn’t he? That knucklehead.
Someone suggested I do a search on the internet for songs about “tiny wine.”
I told them I’d think about it.
The last time I did a search on the internet it was for a recipe; for a healthy dish featuring lots of bacon.
“What you mean bacon’s not considered a ‘health food?’” I mumbled to myself.
“When did that happen?’
Searching the internet for answers equals dismay and heart break.
“Do you know a song that kinda goes like this, hum hum hmmm hmmm hmmm hm hm?” I asked another co-woker.
“Is that The Flintstones theme?” I was asked in return.
“I don’t think so. It’s about drinking tiny wine,” I answered.
“That would explain some of Fred’s hijinks,” came the reply.
All was not lost, however.
See, I have an app on my phone that I can open when a song is playing and it will tell me what the song is.
Who knew such a thing was even possible?
Apparently everyone in the world except me.
Two or three days later the “tiny wine” song came on the radio again. Since Tennessee is a hands free state I had to pull over and open up the app on my phone.
“Why, why are you drinking tiny wine,” I sang while I waited for app magic to enlighten my life.
“Why, why are you …”
What the …
“Too shy” by something called Kajagoogoo?
Seriously, Kajagoogoo? Is that a kid’s cereal or a candy bar or something?
No. It’s a band from the United Kingdom and in 1983 “Too Shy” was a number one hit.
I even found the video for the song. All the guys in the band wear skunk skin caps, kinda like Davey Crockett, but only it’s not a raccoon.
It’s a skunk. Or something like a skunk.
“This song is awful!” I told a co-worker after I explained how I first heard the song, what I thought the lyrics were, and how the band wore skunk skin hats.
I also hummed a few lines of it.
“So, what are the real lyrics?” I was asked.
“You’re too shy, shy, hush hush eye to eye,” I said.
The song was awful when I thought it was about tiny wine, but the real lyrics don’t even make sense so now it’s next level awful.
“Those Brits! They get up to more hijinks than Fred Flintstone,” my co-worker said.