Casualties at this year’s Black Friday Games were high. Experts estimate that the final casualty sum was somewhere between no one and everyone, but they’re not sure.
The undisputed winner of this year’s Black Friday sale is Mrs. Jenine Patterson, a 65 year-old widow from Oak Ridge, who raked in the savings by picking up two Xboxes, a car, three bundles of plush towels, a television, half of the Panama Canal, a Fullbright Scholarship, an Emmy, and a small electric guitar complete with amp for a measley $27.
“Ya just gotta get out there early,” said Patterson, smiling. Two of her teeth have been knocked out and her shirt is covered in blood, but she insists it isn’t hers. “It’s part of Thanksgiving. Ya know, you eat all that food and then you gotta go work it all off.”
This year’s Black Friday losers include Jefferson Dimitrio, who, after an unfortunate trampling incident inside a Bed, Bath, & Beyond, had to have both of his legs and one of his arms amputated.
Other losers from this year include Mrs. Deborah Deglio, who decided it was more important to stay inside with her family and enjoy her Friday off than to fight crowds and risk literal life and limb for some shopping deals.
“I just don’t see the point in it,” said Deglio, shrugging. “It all seems a bit stupid if you ask me. I’d rather just enjoy my day off. I mean – I don’t get many of them.”
What an absolute loser.
Other smaller winners of this year’s games were Johnathan Pietree, who got a new gaming console for himself and not a single thing for anyone else; Jake Portola, who got his grandmother a nice clock; and Cameron “Red” Duncan, who bought an AR-15 with two silencers for $12.
Included with the gun was an army surplus anti-aircraft gun that, according to the manufacturer, is to be used strictly for decoration.
When asked why he would need two silencers for the same gun, Duncan, exasperated, replied, “to make it double silent. Duh.”
When asked why he needed it to be double silent, Duncan got very angry and shouted, “WHO ARE YOU!? THE COPS!?”
Jenine Patterson said winning this year’s Black Friday games was the culmination of years of training, and the highest point of her life.
“I just can’t believe I did it,” said Patterson, still covered in blood and viscera. “I’m so proud of myself and to everyone who didn’t win this year. Better luck next year.”